Carta a un ausente

I write to you here because I know you’ll never read it, so it can be about what I need to say as opposed to what I have to pretend I mean; so I can open my heart freely without any expectation of your reaction.

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First I got to say it: I miss you so much. Somewhere between my objections and my fears you manage to fill a void I never acknowledged it existed and, though the process became a very special one for me, the reason my heart beat on a different melody, the reason why it later stopped.

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I made so many mistakes in my constant fear of facing a worthy opponent; of finally have found the perfect lover that in the end not only I lost the cause of my sighs, but I also lost the friend I always craved.

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If I’m to be honest I would give everything to have you back. That’s exactly why I remain silent, awake, alert and gone, because I know that by getting you back I’d loose who I am and change what I could become. Because I know that by having you here I’d go to the very edge of my sanity.

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I see you passing by without actually seeing you, I know that somewhere you’re fine or at least trying to, and it is enough for me. I’m not ok yet but it’s alright, life goes on and I already left with it; I still have that past that hunts me and sometimes tries to take me down, but that’s the beauty of it: it doesn’t matter how many times I remember, I can always forget and every time I fall I can always stand up again… because yes, I miss you and you broke my heart, but you can never break me…