I was afraid. So afraid I paralyzed and blocked everything good life and love were offering. I was afraid of falling for him and then sufering once he were gone.
What I never realized is that by living in fear I condemned myself to losing him but only after being madly in love, so in the end I ended up exactly where I was horrified to be, all the blame on me. I forced myself to live in the shadows.
Then I tried to fix things up. I promised myself never to hold again what I should have said and done and fight to get him back, but it was a little too late. The sun had already set.
Deep within the night, I'm still caught up in that fight, losing battle after battle knowing deep inside this is what I deserve for being a coward, for turning my excuses into reasons to let love split through my fingers.
Now I am still afraid. If with a different kind of fear, I'm so afraid that I can't seem to think in anything else than the clock ticking, aproaching the dreadful moment when he'll leave to never come back. Even so, I've learned to see the stars, to listen and follow them in an attempt to guide myself out of my mess, so I won't be making the same mistake again, waiting for the right moment to do something just to see it's already gone.
I need to find my sunrise. I need to erase my memory; to find new dreams; to set me free of him the way he's obviusly free from me. I need to start a new story, one that actually resembles a fairy tale where I don't try to make princes out of toads, because in the end they'll always be what they are: green, sad, disappointing amphibians.
I can't keep on fighting this war, for it is already lost. I won't live in fear and I won't stay on my knees any longer, I will step up for my sake, get out of my shadows, and face the sun again...
