And the mirror answers...

Look at you. Just look at you Erika, at where you are, where you’re standing. You’re at the exactly same place you’re always at since you chose to give him the benefit of the doubt, since you decided to close your eyes to what he really is.

He’s not a tormented soul, an under valuated artist of loneliness, he’s just a prick, another stupid man that cannot and will not value you as you should be valuing yourself. But you just keep giving chances; you keep offering him non stoppable opportunities to hurt you the best he can.
What makes him so special? He even isn’t what you always wanted! Yet there you are acting like he’s the only man on earth. He only devotes himself to himself and to disappoint you in any imaginable way! And you honestly pretend to forgive him? He doesn’t even apologize!

You’re not sad, no. Because somehow you knew this was about to happen, it was only a matter of time so it doesn’t really surprises you, although you did expected to have a little more time to gather more phony memories and empty promises. Doesn’t that look pathetic to you? To be sitting around just silently waiting for the next stroke hoping it isn’t fatal? Hoping it doesn’t take the best of you and hide it wherever you can’t find it?

Oh but you are mad! Yes, you are furious with him! You know what? You should be! But you should also look at the mirror and point the finger to the person that allowed you to reach this point, that’s right, you! So do yourself a favor and don’t forget that anger, store it, treasure it, because it is your pride calling, it is your dignity jelling that you need to go back to your senses and find yourself again, the real you, not that hilarious and sad person he made of you.

You are a strong, independent, brilliant, beautiful woman; you know that, everyone see that, then why on earth do you linger around the only human being incapable of valuing it?
I really hope you stop giving chances. I really pray for you to see what you’ve become and remember that amazing, unstoppable, unreachable woman you really are, this is not funny anymore, so stop making a joke out of yourself. Stop asking he who has no eyes, to see. Stop making castles on the clouds out of ashes. Start realizing there’s a road right in front your feet, just see the way out and take it.

I promise there will be bad days, there will even be terrible days, but I also promise there will be great days, many of them, until one day if you’re strong and patient enough, you’ll wake up without even a glimpse of him on your head or even better, on your heart. I promise it will be over and when it does you’ll be a better, stronger, healthier version of yourself; you will be everything you’re meant to be and more, by yourself, all alone.

So this is your chance for redemption, this is the time of daring and taking everything you deserve, for un-crying the fantasies that turned into the reasons for not walking away. I am there, on the other side of the abysm, your true self ready to start flying and stop falling. Who do you choose to be? Where do you choose to end? When do you choose to start?

Here we go again...

From all the times I've been strong and decided there's allways one where I follow my heart no matter the consecuences, and it usually involves him...

It just took one "Hello" to make me tremble like a leave on a storm, and there I was, saying yes where I should have said no. I don't regret it though-for now- and I feel happy and liberated, as if a huge weight has left my heart.

I'm his friend, so he sais, and somehow I feel disapointed but also relieved because that means I already won a place he never gave before and I bought a little more length to our time together, whatever short it might be.

I am pathetic, but I can't expect much form myself for now since I seem to be in love; I am thankful to life for the gift although I know I should be throwing punches for sending him back when I was ready to get over him. Once more I'm determined to make the most of it, no matter who opposes and who disaproves just because I love him, just because being bold seems to help me to survive when he's gone. Yes, I used to avoid this moments because they're evil when they're gone, but they're meaner when they don't happen, so here I go...again.

For each end, one beginning

Don't get it wrong, this isn't the toughest thing I ever had to do, still it doesn't mean is not hurting; life is a chance not a choice and some things are just the way they should be not the way we wanted them because they're meant to teach us something, to make us grow.

Do I reach bottom? No. Because leaping, either by jumping to the abism or unwillingly falling to it, is the perfect chance to open your wings and start a flight, justh the way one can only shine while walking through darkness; besides, I've been ok before and I'll be long after.

I do get hurt, but I have to say that I might get bruised but never broken; I don't know how to fade, to faint or to stay fallen, I only know how to try one more time, to try harder. As I've said before: if I got to be rain then allow me to introduce you a storm; I keep pushing boundaries and reaching impossibles just because this is what I'm made of. For each end there's one beginning, so keep on bringing, that I still have plenty strength and passion for the game; now, let's play...

Despedidas

Lo que tanto temía sucedió, se fue y no dijo adiós.

Los días avanzaban lentos y grises y yo luchaba con todas mis fuerzas por mantener a raya la tristeza y el desconsuelo, estaba demasiado perocupada y ocupada en no derrumbarme hasta que de pronto algó tembló, la barrera se agrietó y luego...nada pasó. Todo ese miedo a que me ahogara el dolor, todo ese temor a que me sangrara el alma y resultó ser infundado.

Por supuesto que mi corazón siente el vacío de su ausencia, por supuesto que mi mente me traiciona y lo llama entre sueños, pero los recuerdos no queman, las ausencias no me hielan, los vacíos no me consumen; de alguna forma vivo cada día andando lento y con cuidado pero sin lamentos, de alguna forma sobrevivo sin sufrir.

Lo quiero y eso no ha cambiado, pero estoy convencida de que estoy pasando por lo inevitable y lo supero con dignidad y fuerza, tratando de salvaguardar mi corazón de la dureza, de la amargura y la desilusión.

Sé que no soy inmune y que no puedo creerme que todo será así de fácil y civilizado, así que evito pensarlo a toda costa y arriesgarme a perder la compostura, me aferro al rayo de luz que me levita en la oscuridad.

Yo he hecho las paces conmigo y con mi desencanto, he recitado mis despedidas y resoluciones y camino en desacato a las fatídicas predicciones de aquellos que juraban mi caída. Voy con la frente bien en alto dispuesta a tomar lo que me ofrece la vida y a soltar lo que me quita, a no temer lo que con el tiempo decida; voy cantando mi destino y bailando a la orilla del abismo que si caigo ha de ser con los ojos abiertos y a fin de cuentas"tierra firme" nunca me ha sido divertida.

Y heme aquí, una fuerza de la naturaleza condenada a vivir una y otra vez un cuento sin final feliz, una damicela resuelta a convertirse en su propia heroína que encara las vueltas de la vida y hace de sus golpes su melodía, una estrella solitaria agradecida con la vida porque con todo lo que es capaz de lastimarme es también mi mejor amiga.

Ella, corta mis amarras y rompe mis vínculos y cadenas, me abre el paso a nuevos horizontes y me regala razones para dar la media vuelta. Me saca de mi torre y me obliga a dejar de esperar al prícincipe que resulta ser sapo. Me da fuego, me insta a nuevas tierras; para que al final, con el consuelo del viento, decida que si mi destino es ser lluvia, entonces he de ser tormenta.

He pasado del amor al desamor y del desamor al desencanto, pero a fin de cuentas, herido, necio y blindado tengo un corazón y su destino es amar; tengo un corazón y no tengo uso para él, así que con todo su tiempo libre se dedica a desordenar; y a mí no me queda más que exprimir cada gota de miel de los locos viajes a los que me arrastra y disfrutar el trayecto, que a algún lado algún día me llevará.