viernes, noviembre 19, 2010

Malabarista


Cae la noche y las luces se van apagando, la expectativa flotando en el aire. De pronto una luz se enciende, un único reflector que ilumina el centro de la pista, y ahí está, de pie, segura y presta a iniciar.


Lanza la primera esfera, negra como las sombras con filos plateados de esperanza. Una esfera que se formó de las intensiones ocultas de un hombre que se presentó como un amigo, para enamorar y destruir, para encadenar y usar por más de tres años.


Con la bola negra en el aire saca entonces otra esfera, roja como la pasión, como la sangre, con decoraciones doradas como el sol que trajo consigo. Una esfera tan bella como inesperada que cambió caminos y sanó heridas, que dejó algunos secretos y mentiras pero muchas sonrisas, y que voló dejando un aroma de alegría y agradecimiento en el aire.


Dos en el aire y aparece la tercera, verde cual olivo y cual envidia, de diseños intrincados e ininteligibles, peligrosa, que flota versada en mentir y enredar, en encelar y provocar, aunque pareciera la más joven e inocente de todas las esferas.


Y la malabarista empieza la suerte, lanzando al aire las tres esferas que regresan con fuerza, con intensión de golpear y herir, y se alejan nuevamente al toque de la mujer que les tiene entre las manos. Suben y bajan, van y vienen, se intercalan, algunas veces acariciando, otras veces dejando marcas, una y otra vez.


El público, cómodo en sus asientos fríos y alejados, oculto por el velo de la desconexión, se acomodan a juzgar las formas en el aire, los actores en la suerte, las decisiones de la malabarista, que con amor recibe las esferas entre sus manos esperando que de una vez por todas decidan quedarse ahí y dejar de cansarla y hacerle daño.


De pronto algo en ella cambia, se da cuenta que las esferas, hermosas como son, amadas como son, jamás dejarán de lanzarse al aire y regresar con saña, pensando que hacer lo que hacen está bien tan sólo porque está en su naturaleza, negándose a retar a la gravedad y a sus patrones.
La malabarista sabe que no tiene necesidad de estar ahí, de ver ir y venir a las esferas, de recibirlas con delicadeza y considerarlas y protegerlas; sabe que es una mujer completa, admirada y admirable, y finalmente decide que su amor propio ha de ser más grande que su amor por aquellas formas predecibles y traicioneras. Así que las lanza una vez más, con mucha fuerza, en una suerte delicada y hermosa, y entonces…se da la media vuelta, se sacude las cadenas y emprende un nuevo camino, las deja caer, que es tiempo de que rueden como mejor les plazca, donde les corresponde, en el suelo de su naturaleza y no en los aires de lo que la malabarista había querido ver en ellas.


Ahora hay una pista sin artista, con tres esferas que tal vez siempre rueden, tal vez encuentren otra ilusa que las haga volar; lo hermoso es que siempre hay otra pista, siempre habrá otro show, y la malabarista es ahora más versada, más sabia y fuerte, y las esferas…siempre serán esferas…

jueves, noviembre 11, 2010

Breakup...


A breakup is never easy. Even if you've been seeing it coming for a while; even if it was something you actually wanted, it never happens without some sort of pain.

The key, I've figured out, is not allow yourself walk down "Memory Lane", because when the heart is broken the mind gets tricky and tends to show all those things you once hated or weren't enough, now looking as wonderful moments you now lost and will never come back.

Yes, I do feel strange and sored right now, but I'm not aching, what makes me wonder that either I'm stronger and wiser that I thought, I'm getting really good at this breakup things, or I eventually will realize the inmensity of how I didn't really gived a damn about him...

I figured that if I'm ever gonna learn about a clean breakup this may be the right moment, so I turned off the cellphone and removed him from facebook, twitter and any other torture tool available...and I still have to control myself by not letting my mind run free, since I have this unusual talent for alternate versions and mild paranoia, never helpful for these kind of issues; but I think I'm finally standing for myself the way I used to but somehow forgot when it came to him.

So, let's not make the victory dance just yet, let's not panic expecting the moment when I burst in tears; let's just give time it's chance to sort things out, let's give life it's chance to put things right again, let's be strong, let's let go, let's move on...
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P.S. For those moments when you feel like giving him a chance, just remember the asshole wasn't there on your b-day but found time to party with his friends, asked you to pay him a "visit" while your mom was at the hospital, broke up with you on the day of your anniversary and...oh yes! he cheated on you with the cheapest whore he found at a party you both were attending...a keeper, isn't he? ;)

sábado, noviembre 06, 2010

I too wanna fall in love...

Now, I have a confession to make: I'm one of those "I-wanna-fall-madly-in-love girls", but here's the tricky part...I don't believe in love. I'd like to think it's because I've never actually seen it, but mostly is because I fear what it does to those who have fallen under its spell.
I have to say I've been pretty close though, maybe a couple of times, but it draws so close to obsession, pride and stubbornness that I can't assure it was love.
As I grow up so does the intensity of my feelings, often resulting in runaway guys who always leave me hurt and bleeding disappointment and resentment; I don't fully blame them, because it was me who let them go that further in the first place.
And why do I state that I don't believe in love? Because not once I've seen it working.
See, deep inside me I've been growing this feeling that things never work out well because there's something wrong with me, because there's always gonna be someone perfect for them the way I don't seem to be, so I either try harder or simply walk away.
When I try harder, things get rough. Drama has never been a good spice for relationships but when mine are in agony that's exactly what I use to stop feeling them dying, and I only end up condemning them more and making me feel awful for another failure and for putting my pride in stake. But when I choose to walk away, I only speed up that "I failed again" stage, rushing myself into another dysfunctional relationship so I can prove me wrong; yes, I get that empowerment vibe when I'm strong enough to stand up for myself in time, but when I realize I'm alone again, missing that terrible relationship as if it actually worked, I screw it up again by getting involved with the first good-looking-kind-of-what-I want-in-a-guy moron that walks through the door...and here we go again.
Lately though, I've realized (finally!) that my conduct will never ever get me close to what I want. I'll never find a caring and decent and wonderful guy if I keep looking in the assholes' direction, no matter how perfect they seem to be in the beginning. So I gotta stop buying fake time with someone who does not and will not love me out of my fear of being alone, so when the moment comes I can spend that time with someone worthwhile, without all those free burdens and scars that might give the death kiss to my new opportunity.
I gotta remember that men are honest only in the end of things and not at the beginning, when they are Prince Charming trying to sweep me off my feet (and actually getting it). You see, when we feel like love is dying, like nothing is what used to be, like we have to try a little harder, like we are doing something wrong, like he's changing, the truth is we're not messing things up. What's happening is that we've finally reach that point where men show they're true toad-ish form; yes, things are changing, the one you care about is changing, because he's finally being honest and showing his true self, the one who doesn't care anymore because he doesn't have to chase you, he's already got what he wanted: you in a silver plate completely blind from the ones who are really worth it. All those little details that made you fall for him were lies, and those lies are the true reason why everything is flushing down the toilet, not you trying to speak up and stand up for yourself.
And, why again do I wanna fall in love? Well, because those couple of times where I think I was close enough, were totally worth it. Being the complicated, realist, guarded woman I am there's one thing that melts my walls to the ground: the idea of a movie like love.
The only time lately I can remember I felt truly happy was when I was waking up in the arms of the one I kinda loved, when I was walking around by his hand or when I felt like flying because he looked at me or talked about me or he let me and the world know we were together.
So one could say that it is because I'm currently involved with someone less than perfect that I believe in the one who was close enough to perfection; I want more of that in my life, and I know that I'll get it, because I too want my happily ever after...with its spicy twist, or it wouldn't be me ;)