Get him back

It was a beautiful friday night, the air was fresh, tha skies where clear and the stars were shinning intendly. Walking on the street, there were a man and a woman, talking, laughing, heading towards a beautiful restaurant with one of the finest sights of the city. She was so nervous she was shivering, he was so ready he was even more galant and charming than usual.

Holding hands, they were battling to go uphill without losing their breath. All the sudden, he stopped and as his face changed, he turned around and looked at her serious, almost severe; pressing her hand he asked her why she thought they were still together, having fun as friends, despite everything they had gone through.

She froze as fear took over her mind; mental images of their relationship, of everything she had to hide, to endure, to deny to herself ran wild clouding her judgment until she only could reply with an ice cold 'I don't know'; she could barely stand his brown eyes staring at her and started feeling a nervous fire burning her veins as he responded vehemently that the obvious reason behind it was that they were in love.

She knew he was right, she wanted to admit he was right, but she said nothing and avoided the subject for the rest of that amazing night.

During my time on earth one of the hardest thing I've had to learn is to overcome fear. Sometimes I've been succesful, some others I hadn't, but as time went by I always had to pay the price for my choices. Today, all these years later, I still regret not having the guts that night to admit I actually was madly, passionately, shamelessly in love.

After my silence,it all just went wrong. Somehow nothing changed but for me, the world went upside down. As I grew more conscient of my feelings for him, he seemed resolved on letting his behind, and put me in a position where I had to play the role I condemned myself into and sucked it up as I endured silently his never ending parade of dates and girlfriends. Somehow it felt like he was making me learn a lesson but I didn't want to bail. How could complain when I didn't had the courage to give him a chance? That's all I wanted to do, but I chose fear and with that came the burden of a love hidden behind a frustrating friendship.

One would think that after all these time, after all those arms, I may as well gotten over it but, I don't understand why, I haven't. It still stings me and worries me to know that he's been everywhere but at my side; that he has been for months now with his girlfriend, that they seem pretty happy, that they even own a dog together and that I seem to miss him more every day that passes, instead of less.

I'm trying to be cinical on thinking I just need a suitable replacement, someone just like him to help me build new memories so I can get rid of all those moments spent with him that I want to set on fire so eagerly. Maybe then I could get a decent night of sleep where I my unconcius stops torturing me with that odd, intoxicating mixture of dreams, yearnings and memories. Maybe then the city will stop tasting and smelling like him and I can stop getting involved with all kinds of deficient substitutes. Or maybe, when I don' t care about him anymore, I could get him back...