I too wanna fall in love...

Now, I have a confession to make: I'm one of those "I-wanna-fall-madly-in-love girls", but here's the tricky part...I don't believe in love. I'd like to think it's because I've never actually seen it, but mostly is because I fear what it does to those who have fallen under its spell.
I have to say I've been pretty close though, maybe a couple of times, but it draws so close to obsession, pride and stubbornness that I can't assure it was love.
As I grow up so does the intensity of my feelings, often resulting in runaway guys who always leave me hurt and bleeding disappointment and resentment; I don't fully blame them, because it was me who let them go that further in the first place.
And why do I state that I don't believe in love? Because not once I've seen it working.
See, deep inside me I've been growing this feeling that things never work out well because there's something wrong with me, because there's always gonna be someone perfect for them the way I don't seem to be, so I either try harder or simply walk away.
When I try harder, things get rough. Drama has never been a good spice for relationships but when mine are in agony that's exactly what I use to stop feeling them dying, and I only end up condemning them more and making me feel awful for another failure and for putting my pride in stake. But when I choose to walk away, I only speed up that "I failed again" stage, rushing myself into another dysfunctional relationship so I can prove me wrong; yes, I get that empowerment vibe when I'm strong enough to stand up for myself in time, but when I realize I'm alone again, missing that terrible relationship as if it actually worked, I screw it up again by getting involved with the first good-looking-kind-of-what-I want-in-a-guy moron that walks through the door...and here we go again.
Lately though, I've realized (finally!) that my conduct will never ever get me close to what I want. I'll never find a caring and decent and wonderful guy if I keep looking in the assholes' direction, no matter how perfect they seem to be in the beginning. So I gotta stop buying fake time with someone who does not and will not love me out of my fear of being alone, so when the moment comes I can spend that time with someone worthwhile, without all those free burdens and scars that might give the death kiss to my new opportunity.
I gotta remember that men are honest only in the end of things and not at the beginning, when they are Prince Charming trying to sweep me off my feet (and actually getting it). You see, when we feel like love is dying, like nothing is what used to be, like we have to try a little harder, like we are doing something wrong, like he's changing, the truth is we're not messing things up. What's happening is that we've finally reach that point where men show they're true toad-ish form; yes, things are changing, the one you care about is changing, because he's finally being honest and showing his true self, the one who doesn't care anymore because he doesn't have to chase you, he's already got what he wanted: you in a silver plate completely blind from the ones who are really worth it. All those little details that made you fall for him were lies, and those lies are the true reason why everything is flushing down the toilet, not you trying to speak up and stand up for yourself.
And, why again do I wanna fall in love? Well, because those couple of times where I think I was close enough, were totally worth it. Being the complicated, realist, guarded woman I am there's one thing that melts my walls to the ground: the idea of a movie like love.
The only time lately I can remember I felt truly happy was when I was waking up in the arms of the one I kinda loved, when I was walking around by his hand or when I felt like flying because he looked at me or talked about me or he let me and the world know we were together.
So one could say that it is because I'm currently involved with someone less than perfect that I believe in the one who was close enough to perfection; I want more of that in my life, and I know that I'll get it, because I too want my happily ever after...with its spicy twist, or it wouldn't be me ;)